Introduction

Hi, people.
My name is Alice. 
And I am so alone.
Don't laugh, but I really am so alone.
I hate myself most of the times.
And I'm not brave enough to get out there and tell people I am here.

I spend most of my times working in front of computer and browsing the internet.
My only best friend is internet. Well, I have a boyfriend, who loves me way more than I do.
But lately I became disappointed by his existence too. Not that something's wrong with him, No. It's me. I have a shitload of stuff that will make me the wrong one.
He's okay with that, but sometimes he's not.
And when he's not okay, I feel like I'm supposed to die instead of bugging him all the time.
See? I'm not good enough for those people. Even with someone who loves me, I'm not good enough.
I cannot demand him to be okay with my mistakes though.
So, sometimes I think I'd better go away.
Will I be more alone that way?
To be honest, it's horrible being alone. Your mind talks too much to yourself, since you don't have anyone else to talk to beside yourself.
And when my mind is talking, it's talking about something horribly negative most of the times.
 I am weird.
I look stupid.
I don't deserve any friend.
And on top of all that, I am fucking weird. My mind works in a weird way, I dress myself in a weird way, and I act weirdly.

What makes me weird?
First of all, I am insomniac. I've fixed it a few times already in my lifetime, but when something huge comes in and make a mega earthquake in my mind, I gain the insomnia again. It's not a bad habit. It's more like a curse, a nightmare.  I can tame it, yes, which is one great thing I'm so proud about.
To tame it doesn't mean to cure it. Which means, it can come out sometimes. I'll go crazy for like 20-30 days before I can put it in the cage again. I'll get better in taming it, don't worry.

Second, I think I am depressed. I don't know for sure, since I don't have enough money to pay for psychiatric service (which is very expensive in Indonesia). I self-diagnosed myself about last year (which is not right). Since I checked almost 80% of depression checklist in an online diagnostic service, and some other proofs, I began to believe I have depression. All this feeling of constant sadness, anxieties, feeling like I don't belong anywhere, is actually a product of another beast that's dwelling in my brain. It's not entirely my fault. (Or is it just a blasphemy?)
During my time of realizing this in the first months, it was absolutely horrible.
I really can't think.
My mind is so foggy I can't even live in the moment anymore.
I sit in my room but my mind wanders around to another universe.
I should've been there instead of being here. I should've been doing this instead of doing that.
Why am I such a failure? I should've disappeared instead of bugging those people. 
It's so horrible, you know, no one deserves to live this way. 
I read and read and try to tame this beast.
I haven't really succeeded yet but it's getting better after about a year.
I learned about meditation, deep breathing, and all.
The only problem is, my mind is still so foggy. I keep making bad marks in my college because I really can't focus doing things.
I used to be good in doing college assignments, but not anymore.
I used to be a good reader, but not anymore.
I used to be the class clown, but not anymore (more like the antisocial one).
 I'll get better in taming it, don't worry. I just have to have an extra work in the foggy-mind stuff.
Sometimes I mixed up between depression, anxiety, and ADHD.
I really need psychiatric advice, but well, in Indonesia, only mad people goes to asylum. 
I'm not mad, you know, I'm not singing around or laughing for no reason. I take a bath regularly and I behave really well along people. I can actually be really nice to them (if they allow me to be their friends).

Oh, one more thing about depression. I used to be able to control my dream and enjoy it in my own way. Some people call it lucid dreaming. But when I read about lucid dream experiences, my dreams aren't really like the one they're describing. It simply happens, and I can control it.
But since I tried really heard to push my mind to stop wandering around (to control depression), I unconsciously stopped my ability to "lucid dream".
That's not really sad, but sad.
I don't know, but I think wandering mind has something to do with dreaming.
I'll figure it out later (and I must tell you. because it's wicked)

Okay, third (and this post is getting too long)
I have social anxiety.
Which means, you avoid people because you're uncomfortable with that.
This happens ever since people get really irritated about my mistakes and weirdness. My best friends left me. And I misfit everyone in the class.
This is partly a cure, partly a blessing.
I have much time to think about myself, to date myself, and finally realize I am a very bad person.
I'm on my way of fixing things up.  
And the most beautiful part is, I have time for my mind to wander around and realize that:

I was too self-centered. I was too perfect until I became too proud of myself.
I never really try to understand people. All I thought about was whether I will academically surpass that person or not. 
Well, after all this happens,
I'll befriend every lonely, misfits, bullied, depressed, and weird people, and tell them it's okay being like that and I don't mind seeing them being that way.
All they (and me) need is only acceptance from people around them.
It's okay to be weird, IT'S FUCKING OKAY. 

(Did I just talk to myself? Well, technically, I'm talking to myself since it's only a blog post of a lonely blog and no one would read or take a big deal of it)

So..
yeah.
I'm here to tell you that in order to tame my mind who is talking vigorously now,
I'm going to write.
Yep, I'm a writer since I'm in kindergarten but I never really produce anything.
I mainly focused on writing romance but sometimes my imagination is uncontrollable.
So, it's gonna be various random thing.

Errr...by the way. Thanks to anyone who is kind enough to drop by.
You can always email me on: alicebisque@gmail.com
I'm always online. Not all the time, but most of the time.
Thank you very much.

Sincerely,
Alice Bisque.