today I realize, someone faraway can actually be closer than anyone who's actually close. to be close doesn't mean to touch. to love, doesn't mean to hold hands. to talk, doesn't mean to spit out words. and it relates to the understanding about god.
I like Lorde's whole album, except Biting Down and Million Dollar Bills. This is the first time I felt like this since Jason Mraz. (Sorry Graham Coxon, I absolutely like your music, but your voice makes me cringe sometimes)
I'm very tired of believing in God.
I need some moment to believe in myself.
Then I'll return to God once I can get rid of this huge disappointment.
I really need a help.
Really really need one.
I need some moment to believe in myself.
Then I'll return to God once I can get rid of this huge disappointment.
I really need a help.
Really really need one.
Today I made a mistake again.
I'm really truly sorry.
I don't deserve being loved, I know.
You can leave if you want.
I'll be here myself.
It's nice here.
Very nice.
I can go wherever I want to.
I do not need to impress anyone.
It's very satisfying.
Imagine a cup of starbucks and another cup of perfect silence.
It'll be a nice date between me and my stories.
I am too weird to live in this place.
I can't understand the way they think and the way they talk.
It's definitely different from what I do.
Sorry.
I allow all of you to hate me.
I will live for myself from now on.
Cheer up, Alice! ^_^
I'm really truly sorry.
I don't deserve being loved, I know.
You can leave if you want.
I'll be here myself.
It's nice here.
Very nice.
I can go wherever I want to.
I do not need to impress anyone.
It's very satisfying.
Imagine a cup of starbucks and another cup of perfect silence.
It'll be a nice date between me and my stories.
I am too weird to live in this place.
I can't understand the way they think and the way they talk.
It's definitely different from what I do.
Sorry.
I allow all of you to hate me.
I will live for myself from now on.
Cheer up, Alice! ^_^
Hari ini aku ada di masjid.
Jujur aja, tadi sehabis solat, trus nempel di atas ubin, rasanya sejuk.
Seperti megang tangan Tuhan.
Sejuk.
Allah, adakah kau di sana?
Kenapa di sini sepi sekali?
Allah, apakau engkau melihatku?
Aku butuh bantuan.
Aku nggak tahu lagi harus percaya kepada siapa, atau apa lagi.
Tolonglah aku.
Maafkan aku karena sempat marah padamu.
Aku memang selalu salah, aku juga nggak tahu harus gimana.
Maafkanlah aku.
Berilah aku kesempatan untuk mengenalmu.
Rasanya sepi kalau aku terus menerus menganggapmu nggak ada.
Sepi sekali.
Semoga aku nggak berhalusinasi.
Tapi sungguh, aku ingin percaya lagi.
Jujur aja, tadi sehabis solat, trus nempel di atas ubin, rasanya sejuk.
Seperti megang tangan Tuhan.
Sejuk.
Allah, adakah kau di sana?
Kenapa di sini sepi sekali?
Allah, apakau engkau melihatku?
Aku butuh bantuan.
Aku nggak tahu lagi harus percaya kepada siapa, atau apa lagi.
Tolonglah aku.
Maafkan aku karena sempat marah padamu.
Aku memang selalu salah, aku juga nggak tahu harus gimana.
Maafkanlah aku.
Berilah aku kesempatan untuk mengenalmu.
Rasanya sepi kalau aku terus menerus menganggapmu nggak ada.
Sepi sekali.
Semoga aku nggak berhalusinasi.
Tapi sungguh, aku ingin percaya lagi.
I have a question.
If people hate us? Should we care?
*this is supposed to be a tweet, but I hold it up and post it here instead.
Anyway I'm being serious.
Should we care?
I'm going to think about this and write it when I already have the answer.
I've been thinking about this guy for a few days now.
Guess who?
If you read Naruto, you'll know who is Tobi.
Technically, Tobi itu bukan Tobi.
Tapi aku mau ngebahas Tobi dari sudut pandang yang memandang Tobi itu Tobi (errr.....)
Yang menarik dari Tobi adalah, dia itu satu-satunya anggota Akatsuki yang rada idiot, bego dan nggak waras. Ada kesenengan tersendiri kalo dia udah mulai bertingkah di depannya Deidara.
Lucu, bego, rada idiot, tapi menarik.
Setiap kali ada pertarungan, berharap banget Tobi akhirnya berbuat sesuatu.
Tobi become one of my highly anticipated character in Naruto.
Siapa sangka dia ternyata one of the most powerful member di Akatsuki.
Bahkan kalo dia mau, dia bisa aja menggal kepala Deidara dengan satu tangan. Tapi nyatanya dia malah bertingkah geje gitula kalo sama Deidara.
Sampe-sampe ada semacam jargon tentang Tobi yang ngomong "Tobi is a good boy."
Aku nggak begitu bisa mendeksripsikan karakternya dengan baik, soalnya juga cuma nyuplik nyuplik dari youtube dan iseng baca komik yang kebetulan keluar Tobinya.
Dulu sih sempat koleksi komiknya, tapi entah kenapa terus berhenti, males lantaran ceritanya ke mana-mana gak kelar-kelar pulak.
Tapi yang jelas, "Tobi is a good boy" itu lebih ke mendeskripsikan karakternya Tobi yang agak cengoh, childish dan innocent.
Oke, jadi kesimpulannya dia ini:
(berlagak) bego, cengoh, childish dan hobi banget ngeledekin Deidara. Mirip kaya Naruto lah cengohnya, tapi lebih parah. Bukannya ngebenci dia sebagai salah satu anggota Akatsuki yang notabene adalah penjahat, malah sebaliknya, pengen meluk. Abis lucu (>_<) sini sini sama Tante. Siapa sangka kalo ternyata Tobi itu punya masa lalu yang amat sangat menyedihkan dan bikin pengen gigit jari kalo ngebacanya.
Dia berlagak idiot begitu untuk menutupi siapa dirinya sebenarnya.
Coba liat gambar ini, aku dapet dari deviantART, yang bikin namanya Novanator (minjem gambarnya ya om...)
Nah, karakter Tobi yang menarik ini pengen banget aku angkat ke salah satu ide novelku (yang kebetulan masih ada di kepala).
Kalau ada kesempatan, bakal aku tulis dan kuposting di sini.
Om Kishimoto, jangan marah ya kalo aku pinjem karakternya :D
Good morning.
I think I'm in a very bad mood today.
I frequently tweets in my personal twitter account.
And suddenly someone tweeted yesterday: "This person is so silent in person. I wonder why he/she is talking too much in social media -.- "
Well, she didn't literally said it was me, but... who else?
I was shocked.
I am so silent around those people, I know.
Is it so wrong if I put myself into words?
Mistakes again... mistakes again...
Why is it so hard to become a normal person?
Why is it so hard to like those jerks?
I'm done.
I don't care about this crappy little society anymore.
Dear God, I want to get out and start a new life.
Bring me to London, or anywhere.
I think I'm in a very bad mood today.
I frequently tweets in my personal twitter account.
And suddenly someone tweeted yesterday: "This person is so silent in person. I wonder why he/she is talking too much in social media -.- "
Well, she didn't literally said it was me, but... who else?
I was shocked.
I am so silent around those people, I know.
Is it so wrong if I put myself into words?
Mistakes again... mistakes again...
Why is it so hard to become a normal person?
Why is it so hard to like those jerks?
I'm done.
I don't care about this crappy little society anymore.
Dear God, I want to get out and start a new life.
Bring me to London, or anywhere.
Hi, people.
My name is Alice.
And I am so alone.
Don't laugh, but I really am so alone.
I hate myself most of the times.
And I'm not brave enough to get out there and tell people I am here.
I spend most of my times working in front of computer and browsing the internet.
My only best friend is internet. Well, I have a boyfriend, who loves me way more than I do.
But lately I became disappointed by his existence too. Not that something's wrong with him, No. It's me. I have a shitload of stuff that will make me the wrong one.
He's okay with that, but sometimes he's not.
And when he's not okay, I feel like I'm supposed to die instead of bugging him all the time.
See? I'm not good enough for those people. Even with someone who loves me, I'm not good enough.
I cannot demand him to be okay with my mistakes though.
So, sometimes I think I'd better go away.
Will I be more alone that way?
To be honest, it's horrible being alone. Your mind talks too much to yourself, since you don't have anyone else to talk to beside yourself.
And when my mind is talking, it's talking about something horribly negative most of the times.
I am weird.
I look stupid.
I don't deserve any friend.
And on top of all that, I am fucking weird. My mind works in a weird way, I dress myself in a weird way, and I act weirdly.
What makes me weird?
First of all, I am insomniac. I've fixed it a few times already in my lifetime, but when something huge comes in and make a mega earthquake in my mind, I gain the insomnia again. It's not a bad habit. It's more like a curse, a nightmare. I can tame it, yes, which is one great thing I'm so proud about.
To tame it doesn't mean to cure it. Which means, it can come out sometimes. I'll go crazy for like 20-30 days before I can put it in the cage again. I'll get better in taming it, don't worry.
Second, I think I am depressed. I don't know for sure, since I don't have enough money to pay for psychiatric service (which is very expensive in Indonesia). I self-diagnosed myself about last year (which is not right). Since I checked almost 80% of depression checklist in an online diagnostic service, and some other proofs, I began to believe I have depression. All this feeling of constant sadness, anxieties, feeling like I don't belong anywhere, is actually a product of another beast that's dwelling in my brain. It's not entirely my fault. (Or is it just a blasphemy?)
During my time of realizing this in the first months, it was absolutely horrible.
I really can't think.
My mind is so foggy I can't even live in the moment anymore.
I sit in my room but my mind wanders around to another universe.
I should've been there instead of being here. I should've been doing this instead of doing that.
Why am I such a failure? I should've disappeared instead of bugging those people.
It's so horrible, you know, no one deserves to live this way.
I read and read and try to tame this beast.
I haven't really succeeded yet but it's getting better after about a year.
I learned about meditation, deep breathing, and all.
The only problem is, my mind is still so foggy. I keep making bad marks in my college because I really can't focus doing things.
I used to be good in doing college assignments, but not anymore.
I used to be a good reader, but not anymore.
I used to be the class clown, but not anymore (more like the antisocial one).
I'll get better in taming it, don't worry. I just have to have an extra work in the foggy-mind stuff.
Sometimes I mixed up between depression, anxiety, and ADHD.
I really need psychiatric advice, but well, in Indonesia, only mad people goes to asylum.
I'm not mad, you know, I'm not singing around or laughing for no reason. I take a bath regularly and I behave really well along people. I can actually be really nice to them (if they allow me to be their friends).
Oh, one more thing about depression. I used to be able to control my dream and enjoy it in my own way. Some people call it lucid dreaming. But when I read about lucid dream experiences, my dreams aren't really like the one they're describing. It simply happens, and I can control it.
But since I tried really heard to push my mind to stop wandering around (to control depression), I unconsciously stopped my ability to "lucid dream".
That's not really sad, but sad.
I don't know, but I think wandering mind has something to do with dreaming.
I'll figure it out later (and I must tell you. because it's wicked)
Okay, third (and this post is getting too long)
I have social anxiety.
Which means, you avoid people because you're uncomfortable with that.
This happens ever since people get really irritated about my mistakes and weirdness. My best friends left me. And I misfit everyone in the class.
This is partly a cure, partly a blessing.
I have much time to think about myself, to date myself, and finally realize I am a very bad person.
I'm on my way of fixing things up.
And the most beautiful part is, I have time for my mind to wander around and realize that:
I was too self-centered. I was too perfect until I became too proud of myself.
I never really try to understand people. All I thought about was whether I will academically surpass that person or not.
Well, after all this happens,
I'll befriend every lonely, misfits, bullied, depressed, and weird people, and tell them it's okay being like that and I don't mind seeing them being that way.
All they (and me) need is only acceptance from people around them.
It's okay to be weird, IT'S FUCKING OKAY.
(Did I just talk to myself? Well, technically, I'm talking to myself since it's only a blog post of a lonely blog and no one would read or take a big deal of it)
So..
yeah.
I'm here to tell you that in order to tame my mind who is talking vigorously now,
I'm going to write.
Yep, I'm a writer since I'm in kindergarten but I never really produce anything.
I mainly focused on writing romance but sometimes my imagination is uncontrollable.
So, it's gonna be various random thing.
Errr...by the way. Thanks to anyone who is kind enough to drop by.
You can always email me on: alicebisque@gmail.com
I'm always online. Not all the time, but most of the time.
Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
Alice Bisque.
My name is Alice.
And I am so alone.
Don't laugh, but I really am so alone.
I hate myself most of the times.
And I'm not brave enough to get out there and tell people I am here.
I spend most of my times working in front of computer and browsing the internet.
My only best friend is internet. Well, I have a boyfriend, who loves me way more than I do.
But lately I became disappointed by his existence too. Not that something's wrong with him, No. It's me. I have a shitload of stuff that will make me the wrong one.
He's okay with that, but sometimes he's not.
And when he's not okay, I feel like I'm supposed to die instead of bugging him all the time.
See? I'm not good enough for those people. Even with someone who loves me, I'm not good enough.
I cannot demand him to be okay with my mistakes though.
So, sometimes I think I'd better go away.
Will I be more alone that way?
To be honest, it's horrible being alone. Your mind talks too much to yourself, since you don't have anyone else to talk to beside yourself.
And when my mind is talking, it's talking about something horribly negative most of the times.
I am weird.
I look stupid.
I don't deserve any friend.
And on top of all that, I am fucking weird. My mind works in a weird way, I dress myself in a weird way, and I act weirdly.
What makes me weird?
First of all, I am insomniac. I've fixed it a few times already in my lifetime, but when something huge comes in and make a mega earthquake in my mind, I gain the insomnia again. It's not a bad habit. It's more like a curse, a nightmare. I can tame it, yes, which is one great thing I'm so proud about.
To tame it doesn't mean to cure it. Which means, it can come out sometimes. I'll go crazy for like 20-30 days before I can put it in the cage again. I'll get better in taming it, don't worry.
Second, I think I am depressed. I don't know for sure, since I don't have enough money to pay for psychiatric service (which is very expensive in Indonesia). I self-diagnosed myself about last year (which is not right). Since I checked almost 80% of depression checklist in an online diagnostic service, and some other proofs, I began to believe I have depression. All this feeling of constant sadness, anxieties, feeling like I don't belong anywhere, is actually a product of another beast that's dwelling in my brain. It's not entirely my fault. (Or is it just a blasphemy?)
During my time of realizing this in the first months, it was absolutely horrible.
I really can't think.
My mind is so foggy I can't even live in the moment anymore.
I sit in my room but my mind wanders around to another universe.
I should've been there instead of being here. I should've been doing this instead of doing that.
Why am I such a failure? I should've disappeared instead of bugging those people.
It's so horrible, you know, no one deserves to live this way.
I read and read and try to tame this beast.
I haven't really succeeded yet but it's getting better after about a year.
I learned about meditation, deep breathing, and all.
The only problem is, my mind is still so foggy. I keep making bad marks in my college because I really can't focus doing things.
I used to be good in doing college assignments, but not anymore.
I used to be a good reader, but not anymore.
I used to be the class clown, but not anymore (more like the antisocial one).
I'll get better in taming it, don't worry. I just have to have an extra work in the foggy-mind stuff.
Sometimes I mixed up between depression, anxiety, and ADHD.
I really need psychiatric advice, but well, in Indonesia, only mad people goes to asylum.
I'm not mad, you know, I'm not singing around or laughing for no reason. I take a bath regularly and I behave really well along people. I can actually be really nice to them (if they allow me to be their friends).
Oh, one more thing about depression. I used to be able to control my dream and enjoy it in my own way. Some people call it lucid dreaming. But when I read about lucid dream experiences, my dreams aren't really like the one they're describing. It simply happens, and I can control it.
But since I tried really heard to push my mind to stop wandering around (to control depression), I unconsciously stopped my ability to "lucid dream".
That's not really sad, but sad.
I don't know, but I think wandering mind has something to do with dreaming.
I'll figure it out later (and I must tell you. because it's wicked)
Okay, third (and this post is getting too long)
I have social anxiety.
Which means, you avoid people because you're uncomfortable with that.
This happens ever since people get really irritated about my mistakes and weirdness. My best friends left me. And I misfit everyone in the class.
This is partly a cure, partly a blessing.
I have much time to think about myself, to date myself, and finally realize I am a very bad person.
I'm on my way of fixing things up.
And the most beautiful part is, I have time for my mind to wander around and realize that:
I was too self-centered. I was too perfect until I became too proud of myself.
I never really try to understand people. All I thought about was whether I will academically surpass that person or not.
Well, after all this happens,
I'll befriend every lonely, misfits, bullied, depressed, and weird people, and tell them it's okay being like that and I don't mind seeing them being that way.
All they (and me) need is only acceptance from people around them.
It's okay to be weird, IT'S FUCKING OKAY.
(Did I just talk to myself? Well, technically, I'm talking to myself since it's only a blog post of a lonely blog and no one would read or take a big deal of it)
So..
yeah.
I'm here to tell you that in order to tame my mind who is talking vigorously now,
I'm going to write.
Yep, I'm a writer since I'm in kindergarten but I never really produce anything.
I mainly focused on writing romance but sometimes my imagination is uncontrollable.
So, it's gonna be various random thing.
Errr...by the way. Thanks to anyone who is kind enough to drop by.
You can always email me on: alicebisque@gmail.com
I'm always online. Not all the time, but most of the time.
Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
Alice Bisque.
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